WHY LISTEN?

After meeting with hundreds of couples over the course of thousands of sessions, I’ve come to understand that healthy communication is crucial to successful, thriving and loving relationships. This post is going to ask a simple question related to one aspect of communication. The question being, ‘Why listen to my partner?’ Here, we’ll highlight some of the main reasons for listening and even stumble upon symptoms that indicate listening could be improved... Before answering this question, I’d like to highlight; many people believe, or would like to believe, that they are effective communicators and listeners. Many who believe this are still experiencing disconnection in their relationship, along with possible emotional and physical intimacy challenges. Upon occasion, these effective listeners might even hear the ever exasperated, “Will.you.just.listen?!” I’d like to invite us to slow down for a moment and consider the reasons why you personally listen to your partner.

LISTENING DEEPENS AND STRENGTHENS YOUR RELATIONSHIP

● When we listen closely, emotional connection is built while understanding of our partner is enhanced.

● When we listen effectively, we create a dynamic in which our partner desires to be around us physically and emotionally.

● On the flip side, when your partner is listening to understand you, you’ll probably want to be around them more. (Who doesn’t want to be heard?)

● So what I’ve just said is, Listening is the bedrock for intimacy and connection.

LISTENING HELPS BUILD AND MAINTAIN TRUST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. IN SOME CASES IT HELPS RE-BUILD TRUST WHEN THAT TRUST HAS BEEN BROKEN.

● When we take the time to truly listen and understand our partners’ perspective, we place ourselves in a position to act mindfully and reliably; taking the whole picture into account when making decisions. Trust is built when our partners’ thoughts, feelings and well-being have been considered and cared for. To get this right, we first need to listen to what they are saying; and listen carefully.

● Conversely, without actually hearing and understanding your partner, they may feel unseen, unheard or at least not considered in light of what they’ve shared. This may lead them to doubt your ability to make reliable decisions that impact them; thereby impacting their trust in you.

● To pull it together, careful listening seeks to understand how our partner is impacted and ultimately leads to consideration for their well being. (This doesn’t mean you just do what they want... more on this in a future post). Careful listening improves the quality and the durability of your relational fabric. When your partner is understood and considered, time and again, relational reliability is created; and this does beautiful work for the trust in your relationship.

LISTENING CAN STOP “THE CAROUSEL”

● Carousel Issues are those ‘sticking points’ that keep coming around and around; seemingly without full resolution.

● Active listening can give some level of containment to a ‘sticking point’ that your partner needs to have heard.

● Browser Tab Analogy: When your partner feels or observes that they are not being understood; albeit, not listened to, it’s like a Tab remains open in the browser of their mind... This tab remains visible and at the top of their screen, and could be clicked on (talked about) at any moment. Listening with understanding creates the foundation by which resolution can take place. Really hearing your partner seeks to understand the reasons the tab is open in the first place. Want to get off the Carousel? We’re going to need to listen to those open tabs. And even explore any overlapping tabs that haven’t been heard, to your partners’ satisfaction.

LISTENING REDUCES INTENSITY AND FREQUENCY OF A GIVEN CONFLICT. AND MAY PREVENT A CONFLICT FROM GETTING WORSE.

● I can’t tell you how many times couples have indicated a reduction in BOTH FREQUENCY and INTENSITY of their conflicts when they are genuinely listening to each other for the purpose of understanding.

● In future content I’ll address some of the major pitfalls couples encounter when

communication is breaking down. I’ll share more on how arguments intensify and repeat

without proper listening. And I’ll offer up skills and tools so that we don’t fall into the pit in

the first place.

● Conflict, in any meaningful relationship is unavoidable. However, a BIG PART of turning

conflict into connection is based in, you guessed it; the ability to listen and listen well.

● Resource: “Fight Right” by Drs. John and Julie Gottman.

● Additionally, effective listening also lays the groundwork for you to be later heard and

understood. Imagine your partner listening to you with skill and undivided attention

without interjecting what they need to have heard... Might feel nice ehh?

● If you’re interested in therapy, I’m happy to work with you to lower that intensity and

frequency of arguments. Part of the path will involve developing that listening skill with

real time, live feedback.

FINALLY, A NOTE FROM THE HEART:

Listening with care and compassion plays a foundational role in couples feeling loved by each other. Sadly, when either are not feeling heard or understood, this can lead to feelings of being unloved by each other; which should be taken seriously. Listening is an easy way to show love. It’s a bit odd, listening doesn’t cost us anything monetarily, but it’s one of the most beautiful gifts we can give to our partner. Ty Bennett offers us the quote, “"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable." I see this dynamic time and again in my work and I invite you into a journey of the many rewards listening can have for your relationship. Please feel free to reach out should listening, and listening well, be something you and your partner are interested in.