Stop Fixing, Start Listening: How to Truly Support Your Partner When They're Upset

Jenny Arroyo
Aug 4
3 min read

Updated: Aug 12

Have you ever tried to “solve” your partner’s bad day, only to have them grow even more frustrated—or shut down completely? You’re not alone. Most of us, with the best intentions, try to help by offering solutions. But as Dr. John Gottman’s research shows, emotional support isn’t about fixing the problem. It’s about being present with your partner in their experience. In other words: Be their ally, not their fixer.

Why “Fixing” Doesn’t Always Help

Imagine this scenario: your partner comes home visibly upset after a tough day at work. They start venting about how overwhelmed they are, how their manager is micromanaging everything, and how they can’t seem to catch a break. You respond: “Why don’t you just set better boundaries?” “Have you thought about finding a new job?” “Here’s what I’d do if I were you…” While your intentions are good, these responses often miss the mark. What your partner likely wanted wasn’t a solution—they wanted empathy.

The Importance of Empathy

Empathy is the cornerstone of emotional support. It allows your partner to feel heard and understood. When we respond with empathy, we validate their feelings and create a safe space for them to express themselves. This connection is vital for strengthening your relationship.

How Empathy Builds Trust

When you show empathy, you build trust. Your partner knows they can rely on you to be there during tough times. This trust fosters open communication and encourages them to share their feelings more freely in the future.

What Being an Ally Actually Looks Like

Being an ally means:

Listening without interrupting
Validating their emotions
Creating emotional safety rather than offering quick fixes

It’s about sitting with your partner in their discomfort, instead of pulling them out of it before they’re ready.

The Power of Presence

Your presence can be incredibly comforting. Sometimes, just being there—physically and emotionally—can make all the difference.

The Magic Question: “Do You Want Advice or Just to Vent?”

This one question can change the whole dynamic of a conversation. It shows your partner that:

You’re tuned in to what they need,
You’re not assuming your way is the right way,
You’re offering a choice instead of jumping in.

Sometimes, all your partner needs is for you to say, “That sounds so hard. I’m really sorry you’re going through this,” and hold the space for them.

How to Stay in Ally Mode

Here are a few practical phrases and actions you can use when your partner is upset:

Say:

“That sounds really overwhelming. Want to talk more about it?”
“I’m here. Take your time.”
“I can just listen if that helps.”

Do:

Make eye contact and put down your phone.
Resist the urge to “fix” unless they ask.
Offer physical comfort (a hug, hand on theirs, etc.), if welcomed.

What If You Really Think You Have a Great Solution?

It’s okay to have advice—but the timing matters. Instead of jumping in, try this:

“I have a couple of thoughts if you want to hear them—but only if you're ready.”

If they say no, respect that boundary. You’re building trust, and trust is more important than being right.

The Role of Communication in Relationships

Effective communication is essential for any relationship. It allows both partners to express their feelings and needs openly. When you communicate well, you create a stronger bond.

Tips for Better Communication

Be Honest: Share your thoughts and feelings openly.
Stay Calm: Approach discussions with a calm demeanor.
Practice Active Listening: Show that you are engaged and interested in what your partner is saying.

Final Thoughts

Your partner doesn't need you to be a therapist, a coach, or a hero. They need a safe space. They need a soft place to land. They need you—fully present, listening with compassion. So next time your partner is upset, take a breath. Instead of reaching for solutions, reach for connection. That’s the kind of support that strengthens relationships from the inside out.

In this journey together, let’s remember that being an ally is about understanding and compassion. It’s about walking alongside your partner through life’s challenges, hand in hand. Together, we can navigate the ups and downs, creating a bond that lasts a lifetime.